Once again, I get the urge to try to actually write what I think in a place where people can actually see it. The only thing that can come from this is sheer terror and pandemonium. My last attempt managed to get three posts before I completely gave up and was shamelessly Arashi-centric. I'm hoping to do at least a little better this time.
I'm a Scorpio, but have always laughed at horoscopes in general due to that fact. Scorpios are supposed to be these deep, dark, secretive types, and I've always thought of myself as an optimist (although I have been horrible the past couple of months). However, a few nights ago I thought quite a bit about this and realized that maybe I'm more of a Scorpio than I originally thought.
I may not be very secretive, and sometimes (Okay, most of the time) I'm an obtrusive and loud chatter-box. Yet, I never put my own feelings or opinions out when I should. I'm more than happy to regale someone with my life story or even to talk about some of the deeper parts of life, but when it actually comes time for me to say, "Wow, actually that really does kind of hurt my feelings," or, "I think I'd like to be friends with you." I tend to fall short. I hate saying how I feel if it's negative or could offend someone. Mainly because, 1) I don't want to deal with the drama, and 2) I hate, loathe, and despise hurting another's feelings.
In some ways it's sad. If I actually am fighting with someone (rare, I know) and we finally get to the make-up part, I tend to just take all the blame. It's just easier that way. That doesn't really help anything because fights are usually the faults of two people and I'm trying to take both, but if that person still can't see that they had their own problems that were involved, I'm not going to start the fighting all over again.
More than likely my way of dealing with things that hurt my feelings or annoy me is no better. Instead of actually speaking up, which in my experience leads to a fight or someone just getting even angrier with me, I just sit there neutrally and nod my head contritely, and stay silent or say things along the lines of, "I'm sorry. I'll fix it." At least, that's what happens out loud. In my head, I get nasty and think horrible retorts or imagine what would happen if I tackled the person to the floor and stopped being a push-over. Ten minutes later, I sit by myself and think I'm a horrible person for even thinking such things and I just need to toughen up and deal with it because it's my problem.
Past experiences where I actually try to explain myself in a clear, concise, calm way normally lead to me still being misunderstood and more frustrated. I'm getting better at it, I am. I try at least, but it's still extremely hard and it never yields satisfying results.
Another thing I want to talk about is my voice. I'm loud. I'm not going to sit here and pretend I'm not because I am. If I get excited, it gets even louder and I'm always being shushed. I don't mean to get loud. In fact, I try very hard to keep my voice down, but it naturally goes that way. More than likely, it doesn't help that I'm easily excited and am interested in pretty much everything that I see. My voice also tends to randomly inflect itself contrary to how I'm actually feeling. In some situations, I'll be completely calm but MY VOICE WILL JUST GET ALL LOUD AND HIGH PITCHED like I'm freaking out or super upset, when in reality nothing is bothering me at all. At those moments all I can do is mentally facepalm myself and shake my fist to the sky thinking "Curse you, Keely. Stop that!" Well, I do explain myself, but it still seems to be a bit of a problem.
I am trying to become someone better than I am, and while my voice isn't really a huge, horrifying problem, it's still one that I know bothers a lot of people whether they tell me or not. So to those of you who deal with me on a regular basis, allow me to apologize because I know I'm a handful and a half, but thank you for putting up with me whether you want to or not. I do appreciate it.
Stay Classy Everyone!!
Keely
